The Joy of Flight

I am utterly uncomfortable, squeezed into a tight space barely large enough for me to sit forward in. I’m surrounded by others in a similar predicament, all squeezed in as tightly as possible without being "inhumane." And to make matters worse, I paid for this privilege.

Yes, I’m flying. I’m sitting in a aisle seat, barely enough room to keep the blood circulating in my legs. The passenger next to me is sleeping, which I suppose makes it slightly more tolerable for him. For me, I can barely move my arms because of how incredibly tight this space is.

The passenger in front of me has tried to put her seat back a number of times already, each time pressing painfully into my knees which were already tight against her seat when it was in an upright position.

Another passenger across the aisle has dropped her drink, splashing liquid and ice all over the center aisle, and several passengers. I’m sure that wouldn’t have happened, though, if there weren’t so many people on this plane. The agent at the gate said the flight was oversold, I can’t believe others wouldn’t give up their seats so we could all be comfortable. How selfish.

But it’s all ok because the airline has afforded us the honor of watching an in-flight movie. And provided complimentary beverages. No food, of course. I even have to pay for packs of peanuts. I won’t, though, because peanuts are dangerous. What if someone’s allergic?

We’ve already been warned about the dangers of electronic devices, hastily shutting them off lest the plane fall from the sky or spontaneously explode. I forgot to turn off the wireless on my iPad, though. I hope we don’t die. It’s a good thing, though, because without it, my bluetooth keyboard wouldn’t be working.

I’ve been scolded for stowing my iPad in the back of the seat in front of me, instead being told to place it on the floor. God forbid something happens and.. And what? The iPad doesn’t move at all because it’s securely stowed in the seat pocket?

The flight attendant is arguing with a passenger. He doesn’t seem to understand that he has to pay for the food he’s purchased. Though he’s speaking reasonably, it’s obvious that he’s being rude. After all, the flight attendant told him he was. She’ll happily run his credit card through her wireless credit card reader. Completely safe, of course, it’s uses a different type of magnetic radiation unlike the dangerous type my iPad and phone use.

Other passengers travel up and down the incredibly small space between the seats, eager to use the planes tiny facilities where the average person can barely stand up or turn around. I tried this on a previous flight. It didn’t end well. It’s a miracle I didn’t end up covered in my own urine. My fault for being so tall, though.

The passenger next to the window needs to get up for some reason. I’ll happily take the time to extricate myself from this chair, though. After all, we’re all in this together, right? Maybe I’ll go for a walk too.

And I paid for this. All because I had to travel somewhere remote. And I have to endure this borderline inhumane treatment, all so the airline can make a profit. Because some engineer somewhere was tasked with fitting as many people as possible on this plane so the airline can maximize revenues.

I feel safe, though. The TSA greeted me at the airport, thoroughly scanning my luggage, making me remove my shoes, and invading what little privacy I have in a public space. It’s ok, though, because with the TSA in place, nothing bad will ever happen on a plane again. Of course, I avoided the full body scanners. It was pretty easy, I just noticed the pattern in the line and adjusted accordingly. Bad guys are, of course, too dumb to do something like that. And since they all look like bad guys, there’s no way they could ever make it through the line.

I did forget to pull out my liquids, though. The TSA graciously overlooked my mistake and didn’t bother mentioning it. They were able to tell, of course, that none of them were dangerous. The only hire the best and the brightest, of course.

I made it to my destination before, I’m sure I’ll make it again. Flying is such a wonderful experience anymore. I’m looking forward to doing it again. I just hope writing this blog entry doesn’t cause an engine to fall off.

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